heh.. im back to blog..
Alrigts.. Ytd was a BAD day!!>.< hahhaz.. 23/5 sux..
I gt back my econs test.. expectedly.. i FAILED!!!

Stress is overcoming me.. sometimes i wonder, hav i realii made e right choice of coming to JC?? Haiz.. reli sad man.. cant stand it already.. FAINTS!!

I practically failed everything.. Lit, Econs, GP.. haiz..
El is no longer my strength!! =// ( i miss mr Connor!!)
There's no one here to assure me tat i can do well for el anymore..
i need the assurance.. i WANT the assurance.. sobz.......

Today had maths test.. and i so so so xpect myself not to fail la!!
At least a B?? lolx.. If i hav smth less than tat.. i Think i'll realli go crazy ler.. wakkaka.. i might end up jus giving up..

I wanna hold on.. i wanna work hard.. i going to mug during hols..
National lib will be my next best frene! lolx.
But.. i don noe.. I wanna be motivated.. I have to be!!!
I seriously got no confidence at all!! NONE AT ALL!!! >.<

Problems are never-ending in life..
SOmetimes i wonder, maybe i am suffering from deprssion but im jus having self-denial?? hahaz.. i don noe..

Hopefulli im not la.. I seriously don feel me nowadays..
i don noe wat else to do..wat else to think..

Tired!!! im so so so tired of everything ler!!
I wann a break from my life..
I wann a day at e bench jus doing reflections..
I wann a day away from my phone, compu..
I wann a day all by myself..

i.wan.you.

#18 loves =)

I don noe how im feeling inside me...
I need someone to guide me.
I need someone to lend me his/her shoulder..
I need someone to tell me assuring words..
i need to know my existence...
I neeed.. NEED!!!

haiz.. I feel like im going to break apart anytime..
I don wanna think.. Yet, i cant help thinking..
I realli miss you so so much...
Yet, i cant bring myself to msg u or talk to u..
I jus wanna keeep things while its stil nice?? lol..

2months.. It isnt considered veh short.. Yet, its not long..
But, there are stil memories..
Thank you for the memories.. I'll kept and treasure them with all my life..
Thank you for the memories.. I know thy mean nth to you..
Thank you for the memories.. I wanna let go of them..

Why must this happen?.
I'll rather we didnt became close and jus continue meeting once a yr??
I'll rather hold on to the past memories..
I'll rather lie to myself that u care..

But, i know. Everything happens for a reason..
one of it might be, to let me know e diff between childhood and present..
to let me understand, things can never be the same forever..
to let me know, nth lasts in life..
but im not convinced..
I guess i wil noe the reason one day..
hahha..

Tears have dried up..
I don wanna cry anymore..
i don wanna be dehydrated!! =)

But when i am alone,
you'll jus pop into my mind..
everyth rlei happened too fast ler..
I didnt expect us to become close..
I didnt expect you to tell me those nice words..
I didnt expect you to treat me so well..
and i didnt expecct you to CHANGE so fast..

I still cant accept tat its over..
I still cant believe we were once grew closer..
I need TIME..

Time will heal e wounds.
time will NOT take away e memories..
Time will NOT make me care lesser..
Time will NOT make my love for u to turn lesser..

The next time we become close agn = 5-6yrs ltr?? i dont know..

After all u've done..
After all e pain..
i.still.love.you.

becuz.. no matter wat, u're stil my cousin..haha..

你说的话我都相信
说得好听说得甜蜜
你说的每一句我都相信
为了爱情失了聪明
听你的话闭上眼睛
这个梦多美丽让它继续

你说的话总那么好听
你爱不爱我不能确定
也许你只把他当游戏
我却爱得太用力


- a song that i've learnt to like!-
reli extreme NICE!! =))
but doesnt reflect my feelin thou haha..

hmmm, its been so so long since i last blogged!! hahaz..
Was too busy.. lots of thinggys happened.. lolx..

Econs fac test ended ler.. jus hope i can pass! =/
I.U night also ended.. it was oke.. don wish to talk too much.. hahaz.. i was traumatised by my dear frene!! hahaz.. identity should not be disclosed to protect her!! hahaz...

I've got so much things to say. So much things to do. i jus wish time can pass slower.. I jus wish i can turn back time. I jus wish i had e power to turn back time. haiz..
Jus now daddy told me a story that happened when i was ten. It was funny, but i made me sad too.. Smth like i gave him a handful of coins asking him to exchange 10bucks cuz i wanted to buy a car for mycousin?! last time there was this period when ppl were having the car craze.. remember? lolx.. and when my dad ask me where i gt those money, i said it was the change i gt back from the canteen aunty in my sch.. BUT!!!! hahaz.. actualli the fact is the coins belonged to my dad!! i went round my house collecting coins then claim tat it was mine! =// But my dad stil gave me the money and i went to buy the car..

Actualli, i think it was suppose to be funny.. i was suppose to laugh at the lie tat i created?? but, instead i felt like crying.. it made me realise tat, since young i had actualli cared so much for him..
'yuan lai wo cong xiao jiu yi jin kai shi wei ta zhuo zhi me duo shi le' Am i born to be his 'slave'? LOL
And i felt sad for not being able to remember this incident!! haha..

haiz.. i don noe.. i am reli tired. i think i become sick partly becuz i fall into depression!! ii need to forget everything tat had happened these two months.. i need to erase all the memories.. ii need to stop thinking bout all the thingys he said..

jus like wat daddy say, worry like a rocking chair, it keeps on moving, but it brings u no where.. i wanna stop caring.. stop bothereing.. stop dwelling.. Childhood memories are nth!! chilshood is jus a part of life.. now that we've grown up, we got our own life ler.. its diff already.. Things wil neva be the same!!

STRESS STRESS AND MORE STRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hahaz.. im going crazy because of the stupid econs... I nearli cried in class!
lolx.. neva felt so pathetic before.. the teacher actualli diao me lahz.. dots.. i reli think she cant teach.. haiz.. DIE DIE DIE!!

And China studies made my life worst.. ahaz.. did stupid essay outline.. mr gay didnt guide us or anyth lor.. damn extreme pathetic.. asked us to complete at 4.15 cuz he wanan check.. in e end until 4.30 he say we can keep e paper and treat this session as a practice.. how to practice when i don even know what e hell is gg on?? How to practice when he neva even tell us wat to do.. crap.. its so so crap.. everytime i wanna get serious to STUDY china studies.. he'll jus make me lose tat heart again.. i hate it.. i hate hate hate everything!! argh.. lol. =/

Crazy is no longer the word to use.. I don noe wat to say anymore..
Tmr is I.U night.. and i so so going home late.. argh!! sat gt lessons agn.. tat gay beta don waste my time again man.. irritaing can.. =(

i've gt no evergy to shed tears.. to tink bout the unhappy stuff.. to dwell over wat has happened. all i wan is jus a good night sleep.. thats all im askin for.. yet, its so so impossible.. lol.. sad case..

gg do GPP ler.. haiz.. yawns.. nights sweetie!
=D

ALrights.. Today was another normal day..
I skipped the morning jog!! BAd me.. BUT ned to replace on thrus or fri de lor. faints.. lolx..
Anyways.. the lit tesst was considerably ok.. At least i didnt failed la.. hahhaz.. Did manage to read finish de book so the last few que i was jus merely crapping yet still gt one correct.. hahaz.. FUNNY!!

Lessons were quite slack today.. Lots of discussions.. oNly economics ned to copy copy and COPY!! I reli don like Ms liu's teachings!! haiaz.. BUt she's a nice person.. Jus nt so experienced ba.. hahaz.. Gonna read up myself ler.. Fac test coming up next thrus!! SCARY!! =/

Went to loyang pt to photocopy the notes for e clas.. My first job as an econs REP!! hahaz.. im like an extrem regular customer to thht bookshop le lor.. not onli e bookshop.. LOYANG POINT!! hahaz.. almost all e shop ppl seem to know me ler.. wakaka.. Went to shop n save to buy food for dinner.. hahaz!! so happy.. im coooking dinner!! WEEX!! PLAYTIME!!! lolx.

Im so tired >.< so glad tat tmr is a holiday lor!! can SLEEEPPPPPPP.. =DD
Its been long since i last call myself sleepyhead ler..hahaz..

I realyy dont understand you. What do u exactly wan me to do? Its not like im treating u badly or ignoring you or watsoever.. Why do u hav to giv me this cold tone.. I don like.. I hate it.. i hate you.... and i mean it.
sometimes, i jus wish to stop talking to u.. but i don wan to hurt you.. so i talk to u.. But instead u're hurting me.. DOTS!!
i really don noe what i've done.. Let me off!!!! argh.......

-the pain that lies in me tells no stories-

BACKIE!! =D

First of all.. i wanna thank MR. EDMUND LIM for helping me with my blog.. hahahz
THANK YOU!!!!
(sry for e late thank-ing) =)

Alrights.. China studies on sat was boring!! A waste of my time lor! haiz.. reli crappy..
And i woke up at 6am to read the notes thinking that he'll go thru and i wont be so blur.. In e end, it was jus a waste of my effort!! DOTs.. After that went TM for lunch wid mr.ong.. FREE LUNCH!! Cuz i helped him wid his olvl science.. lolx.. CAFE CARTEL!! nice nice.. After tat walked ard tm and cs.. brought home a converse carry bag.. Think its quite nice but its jus for casual use.. =D

after that leizie came my hse printed her stuff and we left our hse together..
Actualli i intended to take bus to tamp lib.. But in e end.. i took 12 wid her and we went to eat sushi at a small shop near her house.. LOL..
And i realised the difference between our friendship and the new ones im having now.. Even if i was starring at the mirror (admiring myself) =) and we didnt talked AT ALL, there wasnt any sense of awkwardness.. But now, even if its jus one min of silence, i'll panick and find some crap to talk to my new frenez..
But, its difficult to go back into e past ler.. And this kind of gathering will also get lesser de.. =/

Tired Tired!!!

Had dinner wid mummy.. Mango Fish was NICE!! haha..

ON sunday, i woke up at 8plus to start on my hw.. haiz.. im still struggling to memorise the lyrics for the two songs that we'll hav to perform on I.U night.. there's still stupid lit test tmr!! cant stand it ler.. >.< STRESSSSS~~~~ wakaka..

I suddenly realise i got nth to talk to him about ler.. And i am really tired of thinking bout wat to chat about.. Mayb like what e poem i read before ba.. The relationship has expired.. tat time when i first read it.. I felt it was so so so similar wid the r/s me and him is having..
iTs smth like, we have many things to tell each other, but we dont know how to say it and dont know should we say it.. so we decided to maintain the r/s by telling each other bout our daily lifes. However, this type of r/s will SOON expire... hehs..
And i think it is expiring ler.. I don wanna fight for anyth anymore..
I have no energy to care, to cry, to think, to dwell anymore..
Life is full of ups and downs, full of unexpecteds.. Full of sorrow..
Love is jus too superficial..
I dont know how to trust anymore anymore....... haiz..
Cousins = Siblings?? I dont know..
The difference? I dont know too..
=(

Going off for dinner.. =)

WEEX! i'm so excited now!! its one day to weekend!! Althou i have to go back on sat for china stduies lessons.. But the feeling is diffferent.. hehs.. I jus wan time to pass faster.. I wan weekend to come!!! hahaz..

We went to e gym during PE.. after tat me, mel and bhavna went to change in tat 'enclosed' area of the gym.. it was so funny.. lolx.. Really a weird place to change at..
Hmm.. maths lecture was normal.. I saw him staring at me!! We looked at each other str into e eyes.. lolx.. But its different le.. Last time we still talk. now we're jus. strangers. hehss.. He's just another passer-by...

I realised i really do hate guys.. I dont think i will get into a relationship that easily.. Guys will forever be guys.. All they think of is.. HAHAZ.. don wanna say.. i feel that getting into a r/s now is too childish.. Its beta to wait till i am older.. No matured guys around my side... I wan older than me de.. ltr end up wid OLD MAN!! =/ wakaka..
When will my prince arrive??

Tired tired... I wanna sleep!! >.<

Im starting to let go of the childhood memories le.. time will nvr turn back for me.. I don wanna live in pain thinking things can be like how it used to le.. jus hope things can remain like it is this way now.. don wanna lose contact with him agn.. haiz.. Hope its reli possible ba..

I miss my girls..
Im missing u all so so much.. =/
When wil i seee u all agn??

Today was an EXTREME boring day!! hahaz..
Econs did the stupid staple paper game..
MAths principal came to 'watch' us.. then made e lesson so uneasy.. wakaka..
China studies made me sleepy.. >.<
General Paper we end up doing service learning thingy..

went audi wid eleanor for her cl.. intended to sleep but her cl teacher was extreme strict de.. i did other stuff she also ask me keep away.. so i ended up staring into space.. =)

After lit lecture we went JURONG ISLAND!!!
Initially i was quite excited bout it.. But.. sad to sad.. its BORING too!! =/
I LEARNED NTH!!!! AND WE HAV TO DO A PROJ ON IT?? dots...

He didnt reply my msg again.. wakaka.. But i don wanna care already la.. Maybe i should take the initiative and msg ba?? But i veh scared.. I don noe what im fearing.. But.. I reli don feel comfortable.. I spent my day TRYING HARD to refrain from msging him.. But then... I FAILED!!!
hahaz.. In the end, i still msg him to ask him bout his day... oh well.. he didnt reply.. =D

Went for dinner wid parents.. I guess im already used to this weird weird relationship le ba? I don wanna shed anymore tears..
Its reli so irony that the stress and pressure i am getting is not because of STUDIES? but instead FAMILY PROBS?? hahaz..
Im so worried that one day my heart will jus stop beating and i'll jus die like tat...
If this day ever comes, may all the ppl who know me will still remember ok? LOL


- I don wanna live in this pain anymore.. can someone plese guide me and tell me wat to do??-

Emo Poem =)

Specially dedicated to me by a nice friend of mine.. =D
We were too bored during econs..

Will you be my wings and help me fly,
always by my side?
Will you be my rain and wash away my pain,
whenever i turn to you?
Will you be my chocolate and cheer me up
when im feeling down?
Will you be my coffee and wake me up
when i am sleeping in your arms?
Will you be my sun and give me life
when i want to end it all?
Will you be my muse and inspire mee
when i have no words to write?
Will you be my fire and warm me up
When i am turning blue with cold?
No matter what you say you'll be
You're just
MY
Fantasy

hmm.. Its been LONG since i last blogged?? cannot remember the exact time.. but ya.. LONG!!
hehes.. but suddenly, i feel like blogging again..
I used to hate blogger because i don like ppl to 'invade' into my privacy.. But then.. now i think im stupid to have this kind of thinking lor!! HAHA.. So ya.. here i come again!! =)

Alrights.. Talking bout my life.. I totalli hate 2007!!
I hate the life im leading.
I hate the problems im suffering.
I hate the -think-too-much-me.
I hate.
I hate.
and hate.

hahahz.. Sounds so pathetic right?? But ya.. Im not happy AT ALL!!
I don noe wat's wrong with me.. But im getting so negative..
I don feel ME!! heh..

Im missing so many ppl.. I wanna see them all daily like how i used to..
Now i finally know the feeling of missing someone even though u're msging tat person..
It seems so phycho right? But.. HAiZ... ='(
Tats wat im feeling!! lol..

JC= Fun?? NO WAY!!!!!
Its reli sad to be unable to enjoy my own life.. But.. I reli cant.. I wan to love it.. I wanna SMILE!! a REAL smile.. But, it seem like i cant do it so frequently like i used to le..
It seems like i cant rely on anyone ler.. The people i wanna rely on seem so near yet so FAR..

hmm, sch tdy was normal.. HAHA.. nothing interesting happened.. but i managed to see him thou.. but i think i jus admire him for his sports talents.. ITS NOT LOVE!! =D

So many many things that i wanna blog.. but i ned time to sort out my thinkings.. hahaz...